Memoires of a Phat girl

At the end of todays' episode of "Bones" (episode 17 "The Skull in the Desert"), dr. Brennan said this (I found the quote on a website):
"Because nothing in this universe happens just once, Angela. Nothing. Infinity goes in both directions. There's no unique event, no singular moment."

If you read that at first, it's kind of a hard pill to swallow. Humans all want to be found special and unique, even by one simple person. We take comfort and pride in the fact that, while we are all part of the same universe, we are still completely and utterly unique.

Yet the fact that experiencing a certain thing, a certain emotion doesn't happen just once gives me greater comfort than anything. I look at people and wonder what they are thinking, what they are feeling at that moment. Have they experienced pure, unbridled joy? Or rage, or love, or lust, or...? You may think that is a stupid thing to ask oneself. After all, everyone experiences those emotions, it's one of those many things that we know that we all share.
Our past experiences make us look at things in a different way, though. Love to you is probably very different from what love is to me. We may feel the same way, feel the same protectiveness and caring, the happiness of being with that person and the sadness when that person is gone. But it's still different.

It makes me happy to think that some of the things that I've seen or experienced are probably not going to be things that I've seen and experienced alone. I don't mean the other people who were present at the time. Sure, there were people there when I was singing a Japanese song and doing a silly ballet in the pool at a camping in Spain. There were people there when I stood on the front of a boat feeling both terrified and exhilerated at the thought of being swept away in the waves. There were people there when I looked up at the sky while lying down on my back, marvelling at how small, insignificant and yet important I am - since after all, my castles of dreams and my mansions of thought fill the void that is space.

It's such a happy thought that the intense joy you feel while looking at something particular, or remembering something particular... that you're not the only one who will experience it.

I feel all light and happy now. ^-^ Yay for Bones!

After reading a delightfully sarcastic rant by none other than the marvelous Joanne Kathleen Rowling (known by friends as Joanie...haha, not really - people referring to her as JoJo might be more likely, even) I am once again stunned by the idiocy that is part of the human race. Honestly, it almost makes you hate skinny people, simply because even while being thin and fashionable and close to being Jack Skellington they still feel the need to be mean and shallow by calling others fat.

Hello, you're on the top of the "boy chain" here, you nitwit, you have little to complain about other than lacking a brain. You see, boys will first go to you until they're sick of feeling nothing but skin and bones - unless they're vain and shallow enough to just show off with you. If not, they'll go to the normal girls, those who are slender yet not skinny and who have meat on the right places. Now those are the ones who can keep a guy. As a big girl, either you're bound to attract a guy with a serious fetish, or you'll have to attract them with your wit and sparkling personality. Either way, of course, I'm screwed. ^,^

This all sounds rather mean and I only truly believe in parts of it. I can't say I'm not jealous, that'd be a lie. But I'm not mean or shallow enough to dislike someone simply because they look sickeningly thin. How often can that be said the other way around? Girls are a hostile race, in a way, if you think about. In the animal kingdom I'm pretty sure we'd be at eachothers' throats. Which doesn't mean that we aren't already doing that now. Heck, we don't need guys to make us feel bad about ourselves - we've accomplished that by ourselves. Huzzah...?

J.K. Rowling refers to the song "Stupid girls" by Pink. I'm sure you've heard it - after all, it's a kick-ass song. That song should be an anthem for all girls who would rather use their brains than their body to get ahead in the world. I'm shocked, actually, that this doesn't mean that it applies to all of us.

And on a side note.... I'd much rather be so "fat" that I can't fit through the door than walk around with a rat-sized dog in a 500 dollar handbag. Word.

[[Rant by JK Rowling can be found on her official site, www.jkrowling.com, under the Extra stuff section, tab "Miscellaneous". It's called, "For Girls only, probably..."]]

I was reading the newspaper earlier today, in search of a job. I'm kind of at an impasse right now. I'm hoping I'll get the job at the book store so looking for another job sort of feels like jinxing it. At the same time, it's kind of hard not to be looking for a job when your family seems to be waiting for you to get one.

So in any case, here I was, looking for a job when I noticed that they were looking for people to reply to those sex lines. Now, a couple of days ago I watched one of my favourite Korean movies again, “200 pounds of beauty”. The girl in there just happens to be one of those girls on a sex line. I figure, hey, I can do that too, and the moneys' pretty good. I don't think I could keep myself from laughing sometimes, though.
So I shrug, amused at the little wander my mind took with the image of me being the sexy vixen from 0900-FIESTY, and look further down the newsp aper. And there it is, glaring at me as if a sign: “Looking for people for erotic chatroom”. ...I'm a computer addict and thanks to roleplaying I'm pretty good at flirting with people through chat. At the moment I'm still seriously considering calling for that job. ^,^

In the meantime I’ve heard back from the book store and already went to the interview on Tuesday. I still want the job, but the couple who run the store seemed to think that I was fairly daft or something, and the guy was so completely boring. *hangs head* Ah well, I’ll be hearing back from it this week. If I don’t get it, well… then I’ll be applying to cruise companies. I really want to work on international cruises for a year or two. I know it’ll be hard – very hard - work, but the adventure is so totally worth it.

Ah well, we'll see. To be updated~!

I love my friends, and my friendships. As a sit-at-home-while-reading kind of girl, I often feel like I don't cherish my friendships enough or that I pay enough attention to my friends. They mean so much to me, though, so I'd like my first real entry to be about them.

First off, there's my oldest friend in the world and the one who knows me probably better than myself: my mom. Hehe, I know that's a bit weird, but my mum and I have a pretty good relationship ever since she stopped trying to change me, at least. I don't do enough for her as I should, but at the same time I'm her listening ear and know her about as well as she knows me. We share our pride, our house and our emotions, and that's a lot more than can be said for a lot of other people. A lot of the times I wish I was this close with my sister, but she took on a more motherly figure in my life, while my mum became my sis and confident, in a way. We're equals in our household. Which doesn't mean that my sis isn't right up there with my mum. They're both so important to me, you have no idea.

Then there are my two girls, my darlings, Lore and Elisa. We've been friends for ages now – I've known Elisa since kindergarten and Lore I met when I was 12. They're both beautiful, intelligent and witty with a great sense of humour. While Elisa is confident and sweet, Lore is confident to the point of arrogance and so brusquely honest about it that you'll be amazed. I think Elisa's been with her first boyfriend -ever- for about a year now; she's a late bloomer I suppose when it comes to guys, but in truth I always was very happy about it. I've only seen him once or twice; he's a professional athlete and needs to train a lot. Sadly this means I haven't seen Elisa as much as I would like, either. At first it pained me a lot and I was very worried about her – I tend to be overprotective. I still don't know her man well enough to say if I like him or not. All I care about is that he's good to her and she seems to be happy with him. So I suppose I like him.
Now Lore is more of a “short relationship” kind of girl. She's dated a bunch of guys already, I never met most of them, but I don't mind as much. She started dating the president of the Geology fraternity (CORRECTION) of the University a couple of weeks ago, and seems to like him a lot. Again, I haven't met him yet, but it's different. Lore never goes crazy about her boyfriends. I don't mean that she doesn't like 'em or such, but she always makes about as much time for him as she does for us. I asked her what he was like, and she said I'd probably like him – that he's fun and charming and has a great sense of humour. I have no doubt that I'll like him; I'm pretty simple when it comes to judging boyfriends because all that matters to me is that my friend like him. I'm more worried about what they'll think of me, so I asked Lore, “Do you think he'll like me?” Her answer: “He'd better.”

I think that says it all. ^_^

I suppose I can't call the next group of girls my “school friends” anymore seeing as how I quit school. But yeah, they're my peeps. Imke, Whoopie (nickname) and Seven (nickname, again). Oh, and Joyce, to a lesser extent because I don't get to see her as much as I would like. Now Imke and I, we're pretty close. She's silly and enthusiastic, loves music and boysbands (Muse, Greenday and My Chemical Romance are the ones I hear her go on about most) and a certain British boy and for some reason she adores my silly bantering about as much as I adore hers. So, we get along just fine. I worry a lot about her, though, because of the British boy I mentioned before, and because I'm overpotective like that. I swear to God (or the Goddess, whatever), if he ever hurts her I'll hunt him down and kill him with my bare hands. Or write him a hate mail, I haven't decided yet. ^,^
Whoopie's the “quiet one”, as in, she's not so outspoken about her opinions and such. I've known them all for only a year so I can't expect miracles when it comes to understanding characters, butI can easily say that I know Whoopie's character least of all. She's hard to pin down, but all in all she's a sweet girl. We get along great although, once again, we haven't talked as much as I would like. Same goes for Seven; that girl is almost impossible to meet up with, honestly! I'm a pain when it comes to meeting up, I know that. I sleep too long and miss my bus or something like that and for me that means the “date” is over; I won't even try my hardest to get there in time. I'm horrible that way, and sadly I know it and hate it and wish I could change it but at the same time know that I'll never change that aspect of myself.
In any case, that wasn't the point. Seven, Whoopie and Joyce are fabulous, but the only things I know about them is that Seven is my fellow English fantasy novel reader (and that I love her dearly for that), that Whoopie loves Disney and Pixar movies and music (for which I love her, also) and that Joyce has a crush the size of Mt. Rushmore on a guy whose name starts with P., and that she loves music and movies too. I can't say that I haven't had murderous thoughts when it comes to that first thing of Joyce's, but the second is pretty nifty.

Equally important to me as my RL friends are my internet friendships. I've been rightfully accused of having half of my life take place on the computer. Recently, it's been extended to a life through regular mail. I don't mind, I love it; I love them, I should say. Illithya, Magnus, Kitoku and Moony have a special place in my heart – nothing can ever remove them from it. Even if, in Kitoku's case, I can't speak to them for over a year, it doesn't mean that they're less important to me. These four are all my age and were my first real friends on a forum called Gaia Online. It all started on a site called Belldandy Angel Feathers, though, where I became friends with Jimmy, Lion, Guardian, Morphee, Peng and Noble. Especially those first three will never be erased from my heart... well, first two, to be brutely honest. They mean more to me than anyone else in this world, and I mean that without a doubt. Thinking about them gives me a lot of joy.

Hmm, thinking about it, it actually started before that. It begun on a lesbian text roleplaying game where I tried to... um... unravel my sexuality, I suppose, and met my first (and last) internet induced crush. His name was James (coincidence or not, Imke, hon?) and at that time he meant a lot to me. He was my characters' RP'd girlfriend, but when we were rp'ing in "our appartment", we talked more out of character than anything else... However, it wasn't meant to be and at that time I was truly hurt by it. People who look down on internet relationships can go screw something or other. While a lot of it may be fake, the emotions are real, at least on one side of the relationship they always are. I've never had an online crush since then, nor do I intend on it.

I've bitched about my friends long enough, I suppose, but I can't leave this without mentioning my only RL male friend – a guy whom most of my other friends dislike, but like Jimmy and Lion, he means a lot to me. My dads' girlfriend and my sister wish he was my boyfriend, but I know for fact that we'd end up hating eachother. Which doesn't mean that I don't sometimes share that wish – he's my friend so saying that I like him is pretty obvious. That I find him attractive, isn't. It's something that will never be, and I'm glad I got over those initial feelings to happily be his friend. Apparently, he considers me to be too good for him. Hah, bullocks. I think he was trying to hit on my sister by saying that. ^,^

When you think about it, there are so many people who have made a difference in your own life; sometimes people who will only stay in your life for a year, others who may never leave. Every encounter holds a possible friendship, a possible influence to your life.
No friendship should ever be taken lightly.

Now, I've been meaning to write a blog for a while now. The problem has always been that I didn't know what to write about. Of course I could write about my life and such, how uneventful it may be, it would probably be quite interesting for other people to read. A lot of people say that you should write about what you know. The writer ... however says that we should write about what we like. Either way, that was where I had issues on starting a blog. About an hour ago I got an idea from a movie, however. The movie is called “Phat girlz”, and while I don't take pride in being a big girl, I don't mind it as much as a lot of people seem to think.

Being a big girl isn't always easy. People either seem to think that you're full of it or take pity on you. Most people go with the first approach. They'll call you (or in this case, me) names for no particular reason, look as I pass by and just assume that I'm like some of those bitchy, big, black woman that you see on television. Seeing as how this is my first blog entry, those of you who don't know me in real life may think that this is true – everything except being black, of course. Such assumptions however make the beginning of friendships or relationships different. There's hardly any interaction with another person that doesn't involve prejudices.
Prejudices towards fat people are usually only negative, though. It's as if, because you're fat, you can't have a sparkling personality, be excellent at something or other, or even be beautiful. In truth, fat is highly overrated. The element of “being fat” is just an addition to a normal person, but it seems to have taken on a personality of itself.
It would be amusing if it wasn't so hurtful.

I'm a prideful person. I take pride in the fact that I'm not too shabby at a lot of things in life. I may not be exceptional, in fact I'm probably very ordinary, but like so many ordinary people I've found a way to look at my life as something special. Being a big girl, I'm not always happy with who I am. Due to insecurities I will feel hurt or scorned at little things, at things that aren't meant to be hurtful. At the end of the day, yes, I would still rather have a size 38 than my astonishing 52 right now. The things I'd have to give up to be that size – a size I haven't been since I was 13 – would take too much, however. I do wish to be more healthy and slim, to be more attractive and what not. I'll never lie about that, and I think that there are only a couple of big people who can truly say that they're happy as they are.
But that doesn't mean that I'm not proud of who I am, nor does it mean that I'm not content as the person I am now.

So I hope you'll like reading this. And if you're a big girl yourself, I hope you'll take comfort in some of the things I write.