Last holiday ponderings
Watching the movie “Last Holiday” always fills me with a feeling of certainty. I don't want a sudden death. I want to know far in advance and be able to plan out the last weeks or months of my life as best as I can. There are so many things I want to experience in this lifetime that I've always put off with a sense of “I'll be able to do it sometime”. Things like having my own shop, going to the opera, singing on a stage, having a story published... those things are my “alive” dreams. Admittedly, even if I was to die, I would want to have a story published. I think that's the dream that surpasses time and space. The dream that has travelled with my soul through all my other lifetimes. I feel like it is a dream that, no matter how often I accomplish it, it will always return. I feel like I have something important to share with the world. Knowing the previous, present and future me... just wanting to share it wouldn't be enough. I have to share it, somehow.

So the publishing of a story will have to be realized anyway. There is only one other thing that is part of my “alive” dream, which has to be realized before my planned death. That is taking a trip with a double purpose – two roads leading to the two most important people in my life. First the plane would take me to San Antonio, Texas, where I will meet one of the most important people of my life, and spend as much time as I can with him. Then I would take another plane to Happy Valley, Canada, and do the exact same thing with the other important person in my life. I have two objects that mean just as much to me as those two men do. One is a ring, the other a pendant. I would leave the ring wih this man in San Antonio, the pendant in Happy Valley, together wih a note: “Use this to marry the girl of your dreams, or give it to your future daughter. It would be such a waste to womankind to let a man like you go.”
My greatest wish is for those two men to be able to make a woman, or a daughter, happy. My dearest Canadian friend, you have been hung up over a woman for the most part of your life, as far as I can tell. And I despise her for it – the first time in my life that I have hated anyone so much, and it is a woman I don't even know. It's wrong of me, but it can't be helped. My dear, dear firefighter friend... you are irreplaceable. Please allow someone the honour of sharing your love and life.

I'm being overly emotional and mushy and dramatic, I know. I can't help it. I could die happily without having known love myself, if only I knew their hearts were taken care of, with someone who deserved them. It sounds bad, but I really don't care. It's true.

Still, though... Even if I died right now... I could die without regrets. Not a lot of people can say that. But I've always -always- lived my life in such a way as this. Making my own choices, my own decisions, without any need for looking back and repenting. I've been passionate, impulsive, even crazy at times. But heck, stalking that poor Jonas for so long isn't even something I regret. I did feel like I loved him, back then. I loved him from when I was 11 until I was 16. That's a lot of pining, people. ^,^ No regrets. They're no use, anyway.

Dseesh, why am I talking about dying?! Shoot, I have better things to do! *goes off to draw some more*