Memoires of a Phat girl

I'm slowly saying goodbye to our house, and it's hurting more than I had imagined. For the past 8 years I've lived here, and it's weird to imagine how, basically, that's almost half my lifetime. I never thought saying goodbye to this place would hurt so much. I'm looking forward to a fresh start, a new adventure... but I have such wonderful memories here. Of course at the moment I can't think of any. X"D But still. It's weird.

The garden and my room will need a "special" good bye ceremony.

I suddenly realized.... my future bedroom, in the new place, will be on the first floor... how on earth will I be able to climb out of my window now? O.o" I'll have to think about putting a ladder near it, then. X"D

I was astonished to find the birds chirping happily when I went into my room just a moment ago. My eldest cat - and the cat I've had for the longest EVER - Kiara is very close to giving birth to a litter of cute, cuddly, mewing things... and I find myself anticipating it with more joy than I have felt for the past weeks.

Sure I've been silly and cheerful... but joy... ah, that deep, intense feeling of happiness that builds up in your chest until you can't help but smile... that one has been sorely missed. Lately I've felt nothing but a black fist in my chest, a sensation I share with my mother, although for two very different reasons.

In any case, the joy isn't simply because of my expecting kitty, or the birds outside. My sweet, misshapen kitty, Koneko, daughter of Kiara, suddenly leapt unto the table all purring and insane like, a little while ago. She was headbutting my chin and purring like there's no tomorrow... and suddenly I felt so very grateful that we managed to keep her insane little butt alive. I'm so grateful to have her. I mean, I love Cho and Xelha a lot too... but Koneko is a bit different.

She partly fills the hole left by Kuroneko.

And he, in turn, filled the gaping wound that the loss of my Pikachu brought me. Yes, I know, not quite the appropriate name for a cat. But god did I love my Pika. And my Kuro. I miss my black boys so much, it aches inside.

:sighs wistfully: Nothing to be done about it, though.

But Goddess, how grateful I am of these little purring things that I have now. Life without Xelha, Koneko, Cho and Kiara would be unbearable. Please, goddess, help my Kiara in having a healthy litter soon. I'd give everything to enjoy watching kittens grow up again.

Watching the movie “Last Holiday” always fills me with a feeling of certainty. I don't want a sudden death. I want to know far in advance and be able to plan out the last weeks or months of my life as best as I can. There are so many things I want to experience in this lifetime that I've always put off with a sense of “I'll be able to do it sometime”. Things like having my own shop, going to the opera, singing on a stage, having a story published... those things are my “alive” dreams. Admittedly, even if I was to die, I would want to have a story published. I think that's the dream that surpasses time and space. The dream that has travelled with my soul through all my other lifetimes. I feel like it is a dream that, no matter how often I accomplish it, it will always return. I feel like I have something important to share with the world. Knowing the previous, present and future me... just wanting to share it wouldn't be enough. I have to share it, somehow.

So the publishing of a story will have to be realized anyway. There is only one other thing that is part of my “alive” dream, which has to be realized before my planned death. That is taking a trip with a double purpose – two roads leading to the two most important people in my life. First the plane would take me to San Antonio, Texas, where I will meet one of the most important people of my life, and spend as much time as I can with him. Then I would take another plane to Happy Valley, Canada, and do the exact same thing with the other important person in my life. I have two objects that mean just as much to me as those two men do. One is a ring, the other a pendant. I would leave the ring wih this man in San Antonio, the pendant in Happy Valley, together wih a note: “Use this to marry the girl of your dreams, or give it to your future daughter. It would be such a waste to womankind to let a man like you go.”
My greatest wish is for those two men to be able to make a woman, or a daughter, happy. My dearest Canadian friend, you have been hung up over a woman for the most part of your life, as far as I can tell. And I despise her for it – the first time in my life that I have hated anyone so much, and it is a woman I don't even know. It's wrong of me, but it can't be helped. My dear, dear firefighter friend... you are irreplaceable. Please allow someone the honour of sharing your love and life.

I'm being overly emotional and mushy and dramatic, I know. I can't help it. I could die happily without having known love myself, if only I knew their hearts were taken care of, with someone who deserved them. It sounds bad, but I really don't care. It's true.

Still, though... Even if I died right now... I could die without regrets. Not a lot of people can say that. But I've always -always- lived my life in such a way as this. Making my own choices, my own decisions, without any need for looking back and repenting. I've been passionate, impulsive, even crazy at times. But heck, stalking that poor Jonas for so long isn't even something I regret. I did feel like I loved him, back then. I loved him from when I was 11 until I was 16. That's a lot of pining, people. ^,^ No regrets. They're no use, anyway.

Dseesh, why am I talking about dying?! Shoot, I have better things to do! *goes off to draw some more*

I had a very enlightening experience just about an hour ago. I'd setled myself in the oneseat with one of my books on drawing manga characters and a stack of paper. I'd first thought I'd use my time to draw Ninia, my Italian belle, in a more relaxed moment. The second I started drawing, though, I felt like I should draw Luna. Which I did. And lo and behold, at the end of about twenty minutes, Luna was looking back at me from the paper. Sure the image looks pretty sucky – her eyes are off and her nose is a bit too high to really look anime-y. But still. I really felt like Luna's soul was speaking to me.

A while back my friend Tori and I had a conversation about how characters seem to be waiting for us to discover them. I truly believe that every possible imaginary character is waiting for someone to bring them to life. I've experienced it before – especially with Ammy - but never with Luna. She's very different from me, but I love her to death. She's confident, sexy, flirty and a bit mean. But she's just sooooo excellent. *sighs happily as she stares at her drawing* I'm going to do my best to pay you the respect you deserve, Luna. You're magnificent.

LATER
I outlined the portrait with markers and messed up on her lips with those same markers. But by god... I'm so glad I managed to capture your eyes, Luna. Vibrant brown with specs of amber in them. You are such a gem. Don't ever leave me, dear Luna. I may not understand you that well – you are the greatest mysery to me out of all my characters, greater even than your own beloved Teriad – but that doesn't mean I love you any less.

As I was walking home from the doctors' office (where I got a shot in my buttocks, ow ;-;), I was keeping a keen eye on the night sky. For some reason I felt like tonight was a night of decisions, or something like that. In any case, suddenly I noticed a cloud drifting over at quite a rapid pace. First it resembled a butterfly to me, which immediatly made me feel like it was a “message” for me. Ever since the notion of a “butterfly dream” came to me, I've felt a special affinity wih these pretty bugs. So anyway, as the cloud blew further, it started to change forms, until it was this special “rocking” image of two horse heads. About two years ago this lady made me a soul map, a drawing that is supposed to make some things clear about my soul. In it, the main bit of it, actually, are two horse heads opposite from eachother, linked together at the bottom with a thick curved line – like two horse heads “rocking”. Of course this made me look a bit more oddly, especially since the cloud changed even further to show a man and a woman dancing. Then I notice a series of other clouds following that one. Sort of like smoke signals, really. The first one that followed resembled a lobster. The next one was a bit more disturbing, it was like a very anguished face, but more like a ghost face than anything else. Like the spooky evil ghosts from “The Librarian 2”, with hollow eyes and a hollow mouth. It was a bit disturbing, I thought. Later it shifted into a kind of swan or duck. The last cloud seemed to me like a dolphin.

I try to see magic in everything – from lighting a candle to cooking a meal to watering flowers or caring for your pets. I don't do practical magic, I only know it in theory. I know how to do a love spell with candles, I can make an amulet for luck and fortune, I can make a healing voodoo doll, or whatever. I've just never done it before. Still, the everyday magic, to me, is equally important than the more “forced magics”. These clouds formations seemed to be sending a message, or so it seems to me, but I'm not sure what it is. I've been assembling a “how to summon ghosts” guide for one of my co-workers, so that might explain the ghostish face. The first cloud seems to indicate me, and perhaps the Native American influences in my soul (I have many, oddly enough – the horses are one of them), which could also be linked to how these “messages” approached me. The person I think of when I see a dolphin is my not-exactly stephbrother, but I wouldn't know who to link with the swan/duck. Same with the lobster.

I'm definetly overthinking this, but it's fun to do so. <3 Also, if there -is- a message there for me to discover, I definetly don't want to miss it.

Nothing envigorates me more than watching the night sky. The moon, in whichever visible form it chooses, makes me feel precious, guarded and loved. The dark sky is full of mysteries that seem friendlier than those of the deep sea. And the stars... ah, the stars...

I feel like everything in nature can be linked to us human beings – after all, we are still part of nature, despite being so destructive to it – or at least I flatter myself that it's true. I have two theories concerning humans and the stars. One is that humans are a lot like stars in that, in between the black blurryness that is general mankind, the collective “they” sort of speak... there are inumerous shining ones, a lot of them still hidden, but so very worth getting to know off. The other theory is that, inside every person, there are as much good qualities as bad ones. After all, we don't know how many stars are out there, so in between the dark velvet and the shining dots, it's hard to distinguish one from the other. With humans it is the case that our bad qualities are the shining stars, easily noticeable and immediatly catching our eye. The good qualities are hidden, disappear in the glow of the bad ones, until someone pries and searches and discovers how wonderful those dark spots truly are.

Ah well. I've always been crappy in explaining my theories. Daft lil' me, I suppose. Another reinvigorating thing: a hot bad. Or sleep, yes, sleep! <3

In case you're wondering – no, I've not died... WORK is so FIENDISH! GAH! I'll try to write soon.

I am the heroine of my own tale. I suppose this is true for most people, but it was a realisation that hit me while walking home at about 4 am on Christmas eve.
She is a calm heroine, waiting patiently for the hero of the tale to show up. Continuing her life with a tenacity and cheerfulness that astonishes even me. She resembles my favourite heroine of all time in that she is “very fond of walking” (Darcy: “Yes, I know”) and that she does not wait for her hero to bring her happiness, but instead searches for it herself. In her own words, “what are men compared to rocks and trees?” (I'm astonished that I know so much of my favourite novel, while it's been over a month since I last read it).

This is all very confusing, of course, because my heroine is basically me. XD But ah well. It made sense to me while walking home from my mothers' work. 'tis true, I love trees, rocks and walking. I suppose that I'm a lot like another Jane Austen heroine when it comes to risking my heart, though. But that's the kind of wailing I only think, not write.

Re-reading my Megatokyo mangas (I need to get n°5, stat!) naturally made me remember one of my all time favourite “Adventures of Piro and Seraphim” comics. Namely the one where Seraphim is reading a random livejournal to torture Piro with the whining. I do -not- want to be a whiner. I love that particular comic loads, by the way – it's made me laugh more than most of the story did. Still, my all time favourite has to be the one with the vibrating sheep of death. Dear lord, I must have one! XD

Well... this was quite a random post. In other news, I want to wish everyone a very merry Christmas and happy holidays in general. Love one another and show someone random a bit of kindness this year.

With love – E.

My internet has been down for about a week, now, and I feel like I've lost an arm. While being too exhausted to really enjoy the internet and my usual hang-outs, I miss my boyfriend and the regular chitchat.

In any case, I'm home from work right now, for the holidays. I've been working at an American farmaceutical company for the past four weeks now. It's been an interesting experience, to say the least. I've learned a lot of things about myself, at least. I've learned that I'm a very “black and white” person. Either I like someone, or I really don't. And I mean REALLY don't. Also, I've learned that I'm not very sociable nor that I feel comfortable easily. And I'm a lot more naive than I had thought myself to be. All of these realisations aren't exactly positive – they're not positive character traits, and I must admit that the naivity is the one I hate the most. It's wrong of me, but I hate people who are too naive. Quite a generalisation, I know, but what most people think as “cute”, I despise. X”D I'm weird like that.

My friend Jelle once told me that he wasn't “made” for working. I feel that neither am I. Either my co-workers and I are just too different in nature, believes and personalities (which is very possible), or I'm just not the working kind. I think that my shop is too much on my mind to really enjoy work. And the fact that I don't get along with my coworkers. But still... My shop, my book, and all the other things I wish to realize. I'd better get started, then!

So, I locked myself inside my room today. Which is a pretty daft thing to do seeing as how I don't even have a lock on my door. Here's how it went:

I'd been unable to sleep properly ever since waking up at midnight. I ended up staying up, despite trying to get some shut-eye. In any case, I left for my room (I'd fallen asleep on the couch, as usual) around 4.30 am, figuring that'd give me plenty of time to have a nice cup of coffee before I had to leave for work, which is around 5.10 am. I go into my room, notice my “wild cat” Kiara lying on a stack of my clothes, so I hurriedly close the door to keep my dogs from happily greeting her. I put on some clothes, trying on my new dress first just for fun. Because I wanted to see myself in it, I went to head into the hallway, where we have a somewhat larger mirror. I go to my door, put my hand on the handle, press it down... and suddenly I'm holding it in my hand. I laugh at first – heck, the handle on the toilet door gets loose all the time – and try to put it back on it. Sadly, the bar that connects the two handles through the door had shifted too much. Instead, I tried to pry open the door, only to find that I'd really closed it tightly. I laugh some more, now a bit more panicky, and look around my room in hopes of finding either my key to the back door or my cell. Finding neither, the panic increases a bit. I was pretty sure my mother had locked the back door when she left for work, but I decided to try it, anyway. So I crawl out of my window, almost breaking my leg in the process while trying to avoid wrecking a spiders' web, and head for the front door. As I thought – locked. I sigh, and contemplate taking my bike to go to my mothers' work and ask her for a key. All of my pants are either in the laundry room, though, or in the living room, and it's much too cold to go out on bare feet (because, of course, I don't have any shoes lying outside the house or in my room) and in a skirt. I crawl back into my room and close my window – deciding that I may aswell be comfortable while being locked in my room, I look around me, only to find that Medi-chan (my laptop) was still in the living room, along with most of the projects I've been working on lately.

It's easy to say that I was utterly and completely bored. Naturally, I fell asleep. It still amazes me that I “got away with it”. I mean, I couldn't contact work until way later, and my chief told me to just use one of my paid free days. Like... the only day off I have. But ah well.

Seeing as how I slept for the biggest part of the morning, I can't sleep now. I have to leave for work in about three hours, and lord knows I need my sleep. I am definetly not closing the door to my room anytime soon, though.

Lately I feel myself becoming more in touch with my past. Which is an odd feeling, I must say. Just now, suddenly, my hand was not my own. It was more elegant, with a kind of glove over it and long manicured nails.
The logical side of me tells me that past lifes are not real, that they are an illusion we maintain because it's scary to think that this lifetime is all we have. There is little proof, after all, of past lives or reïncarnation. If they existed, and we were reïncarnated souls, why would we have to forget our past lives? Perhaps it is a preference of a fresh start, or perhaps there just isn't such a thing as a soul. As a semi-intelligent person I usually feel torn between my logic and my faith. But I can't deny my own feelings and experiences, which have helped me be a firm believer that once my soul inhabited another body.

For a couple of weeks now I have felt my perception beginning to falter. I'll feel something against my back - something that causes my skin to tingle - but there is no one or nothing there. The incident of now, of my hand seemingly not being my own, hasn't happened to me since that "flashback" I had on the bridge in Malines. I think it's probably something that is linked to emotions more than anything else.

I believe that time-space is bended, or, better yet, like a cilinder. Layer after layer of "me"'s, in a way, but all with the same soul. It's possible that, whenever I experience happiness at the same time that one of my "other me's" experiences happiness, the time that seperates us momentarily merges, causing our souls to make a small exchange.

Gah, I'm so crappy at explaining it. X"D But oh well, that's my theory. I want to learn more about these other lifetimes, but I wonder wether or not it is better to forget. After all, there must be a reason why we forget.

I was randomly browsing today - wasn't in the mood to work on graphics for Gaia, really - when I suddenly remembered my dear, dear website. The poor thing has been offline for over a year now, and due to my computer screen still being screwy, I never got to make that lay-out I wanted to make. It's a real shame, really, because I truly do love that place. It's silly and full of "me" things, but I love it, nonetheless. SO! My (very early) New Year resolution will be to fix it up nicely and update regularly. I can link to here, so that'll be less space already. Also, I was just checking out the things Tripod has to offer, and $5 a month isn't really that expensive for a semi-professional website. At least then it'll be add-less.

The reason why I went to visit my website lies mostly with the fact that I was happily writing a little poem/song (not sure yet) and suddenly remembered the writings I had on my website. I'll be posting those below, for future reference. I'll probably name my new website either "Gentle Fragrance" or "Ravishing Garden". Must think up a layout, too. *ponders* It's quite odd, really, that I love the colour red so much, yet when I make layouts I almost always go for purple. Ah well.

Expect a post about my new job either later today or sometime tomorrow, too.

||MY POEMS||
|
My classes are a pain,
and the teachers are so lame.
They think they know it all,
but, honey, they're so wrong.
They think that we don't know,
what it's like to learn and grow.
In case you haven't noticed, sir,
I'm a teenager, growing is my thing.
Now don't start about remembering,
about how it was tougher for you.
The world's a stressful place now, babe,
and that includes for me and you.
Teens commit suicide for a reason,
it's not just some threat.
It changes from season to season,
so don't worry, don't fret.
All I'd like to add to this now,
is to remember how kids and teens have it hard.
We don't expect the world to bow,
but that doesn't mean that we know where to start.
The world is big and open to us,
you say that's a blessing.
But expectations are higher and people fuss
about school and home and income and stuff.
So don't start to preach, just don't.
'Cause we know how the world works today.
And we have to make it, on our own way.



|DREAM OR NIGHTMARE?
Sometimes I dream
of dragons, faeries and joy.
Those are the dreams I truly enjoy.
But then there are the nightmares.
The aching pain that runs through me,
torturing me. But then I stop and see...
That this isn't a dream.
The sky is its normal blue, the grass is just as green.
People aren't nice and kind; they're just mean.
This thing I tought to be a nightmare,
wasn't a dream, wasn't even a fantasy.
It's the real world. And that's just what's so scary.



|GAIA
Eyes of pain
tears of pearls.
A hidden face,
seeing where it burns.
Is this what my life's about?
I can't help wonder.
Shouldn't there be something past that cloud,
a fantasy paradise or something?
I really hope there is
a world this beautiful.
I really think there's something amiss,
eventhough I love Gaia, my Goddess.
But still, this isn't what she wants.
War, poverty, pain, despair.
The Goddess is beauty, life and death.
She'd want peace for us and nature,
safety 'till the tip of my hair.
Then again, I don't know what she wants.
But I do know that she suffers too.
Our planet and nature is in her heart and hands
and she'll die if we don't do something.
Soon.




|FLY
The setting sun sees
a world that is worth seeing.
My heart and hope fly


|MOON
Reflection of mine.
The moonlight in the water.
I ripple with joy.


|TOUCH
Feeling your warm breath.
Quietly, you touch my hand.
My heart stops beating


|TIME
Time is a path with no end
it rides into infinity,
without even the slightest bend.

In good or in bad,
time is always there.
Haunting like a ghost,
yet fleeting as the air.

We enter this world crying,
through cold and surprise.
We leave it again dying,
still cold and yet flying.

With each day comes a new past,
with each day a new future.
And the day itself brings the present.


|KELLY
When times are rough
and winds are hard.
Remember the one,
who's kept you from harm.
She may treat you bad,
she may call you names,
but in the end,
she's your best friend



|MERRY CHRISTMAS
The winter touches us deep
with harsh winds and colds that keep
the people inside to shudder with chills
while thinking about these winter things.

Yet the closer we go to that one special eve
the more pressing we wish to leave
our houses, to go to where we are home,
may it be Jerusalem, New York or Rome.

The feeling of Yuletide that draws us near
is bright and warm and although we fear
the loneliness radiating from the snow,
our families are there for us,
and that's all we need to know.



||OTHER POEMS/TEXTS||

Just like notes are woven to become a melody,
as are silk woven to become clothes.
Just like white clouds floating in the sky,
as are fishes swimming in the water.
Just like flowers blooming under the sunlight,
will I ever meet someone to be with together?

~Tokimeki Memorial OVA 1



Truth
Truth is like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold.
Stretch it, pull it, it will never cover any of us.
Kick at it, beat at it, it will never be enough.
From the moment we enter crying,
to the moment we leave dying,
it will cover just your head
as you wail and cry and scream.

~'Dead Poets Society' by N.H. Kleinbaum



Death's embrace
I watch the moonrise thinking of how things came to be the way they are, you could have saved me you know, but you chose to leave me to my fate, and now as I swim in a pool of my own blood that pours from the wound you created tears steam down my bloodstained face, because the memory of you refuses to leave me, cause I loved you so much though you act like you hate me, but it's alright my love, I feared the darkness at first, but now I embrace death and cry on the shoulders of the fallen angels, but don't worry my love you'll face the same fate as me, everyone dies, there’s no immortality, but when we're together again my heart will never be yours, you could have had it once, I offered it freely, yet you chose to hit it as hard as you could and watch as it broke, I now guard the shattered remains of my heart and my soul with the ferocity of a dragon, yet I still don't understand you, you killed me you bastard........and all I ever tried to do was love you.

~FallenAngel88

While looking for "Legend of Mermaid" after thoroughly raping the lovely song from Mermaid Melody Pichi Pichi Pitch, I stumbled across an AWESOME website. Honestly. It has like a gazillion .mp3's of games and anime on it. I feel like it's Christmas and there is a large box lying undernearth the tree, wrapped in shiny purple paper with a sky blue ribbon, and my name on it in bold, gold letters, containing the bag or catears I've been wanting for years.

So happy~! I haven't "dived" into it yet. I want to go about the downloading a bit more organized, although I did already download one of my favourite gentle songs: "Undine" by Makino Yui. It's from the anime series "Aria the Animation", which is a series I can advise to anyone. No big events happen, nothing thrilling or exciting or whatever. Like the song that makes up it's opening theme, it's gentle and calm and truly a feel-good anime. I love it. I was dissapointed to find the OVA (which came out in September of this year, and which I got my grubby hands on not much later) not as wonderful as the actual anime, but I suppose that is because to me it lacked the characteristic sweetness and calmness.

The world of Neo-Venezia - which is basically Venice "rebuild" on Mars - is so beautiful and mysterious that it gives me the chills. Like Malines to me, it is a place of hidden treasures and loves. Ah, how I love it - words fail me in trying to describe my attachment to that particular series.

I ought to finish some things, but the music has made me too mellow to function properly. Ah, happy day.


|| Kaze ni naotte anata no motto e yukuwa Undine.
||| Riding the wind, I will return to you as an undine.

He made me a guild. I can't believe it. I know it may seem daft to you all, but it's the single nicest, most time-consuming thing anyone has ever done for me. He made me a guild, named it "Dear Ellen", and asked me something in a way that makes me smile as I think about it.

I'm a blubbering idiot at the moment: my heart is pounding insanely, I'm crying and laughing at the same time and I have goosebumps all over. For the past week I've been trying to dissuade myself from falling in love with him. I swore never to fall in love with someone I couldn't have ever again. I tried telling myself to ignore his beautiful voice, wonderful personality, asian appearance and utterly cute laugh. I've been trying to get his voice out of my head since last wednesday or something. It just won't do.

I'm utterly, completely, totally smitten.

Seems like my heart has finally landed.

The question of "how are you" poses such a dilemma for me at times. Before you've realized it, you've already said "I'm fine, you?". It's like a mechanisme. Then again, I wouldn't know what to answer if I was really truthfull.

"Oh, hey, how are you?"
"Hi~! Oh, I'm just fine. I mean, of course I'm an emotional mess. You know, my dog died, my cat died a couple of months ago, I still have a gazillion issues with my parents divorce from years ago and I pretty much don't have a clue what to do with my life and am dissapointing people by not knowing. But hey, I'm healthy!"
"Eh, yeah, um..."
"Oh, wait, that's right, I'm not! There's this thing wrong with my neck but none of the doctors or specialists I've been too know what it is. I'm terrified of getting the chronic tiring disease (or whatever it's called) because I'm prone to it. Oh, right, and I had my gall bladder removed, which just can't be good. But at least I've got my friends!"
"Oh, right, well..."
"Oh, wait, I don't! Like, I love my friends but I have all these abandonment issues - remember the divorce bit? Yeah - and pretty low esteem as a whole to the extent that I wonder why they're my friends sometimes. Besides that I just don't go out, not because I can't, but because I don't want to. Of course there are crazy insane times when I want to call my guyfriend to get drunk out of random cheerfulness, but the idiot had his cellphone taken away by the cops (tcha, drugs, what can ya do) and I can't really call him at 2 am in the night because his sister has a baby boy. And let's not forget my raging sex drive. Seriously, the getting drunk calls - if they existed - would probably be hidden booty calls. I swear to god one day I'm just going to kidnap one of my guyfriends and have delicious mindblowing seks with him. But other than that, I'm totally fine!"
"Right... um... I've gotta go now."
"Oh yeah, sure! This was fun, let's do this again. Call me!"
"Sure..." *flees*


Apparently, I do know what to answer.
Seriously. Me in a nutshell, no exaggerating. And yet I'm pretty happy in general. Ain't life odd?

“Remember, remember, the fifth of november,
the gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why the gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot.”

- Happy Guy Fawkes Day, all!-



I've been talking to my RL male friend through email the last two weeks. It surprises me how much I've missed him. I suppose the thing what makes him so special to me, is that he always makes me feel like I'm a good girl. I know it may sound daft (or, if you prefer being a bad girl, wrong) but no matter what I tell him he never gives me the feeling of not being decent or nice. I hope I give him that same feeling, too.

During school I usually had a male friend whom I could confide in. Some of them were wonderful and have an important place in my heart... well, actually, mostly one – Charlie was a wonderful friend to me, for the longest time. Then there's Ivano, which sounds a bit strange, perhaps, but he was a really good friend to me, Elisa-chan. ^-^ He confided in me a lot. And that's about it. The other male friends and I didn't part on such good terms. I never shared the same honesty with any of them as I do with my current male friend, though. Seriously, I don't think I've told even half of it to my closest girlfriends. I tend to lie a lot, as you probably have noticed, and I often catch myself on telling half-truths when around my girlfriends. It's because I'm too proud; I don't want them to know the “real me”, while the real me isn't half bad. But truthfully there has only been one other person with whom I was so truthful, and that was the bully who made most of my elementary school days a pain. For the longest time I thought he, too, was my friend, but alas. Turns out he was mocking me behind my back, along with his best friend.
I'm not a hateful person so I did forgive said bully and said best friend. But I'm like an elephant; I never forget.

In any case, I'm going to call the RL male friend tonight in hopes of seeing him this week. I need a hug. ^-^

In other “friend” related news, for the past three weeks I've had a new highlight - a new fellow whose emails make me giddy. I get seriously happy whenever I see the “Crows' nest” message in my inbox. It's kind of silly, but I don't care. It's hard not to be flattered when a guy tries pretty hard to get you to fall for him. He's witty, charming and quite intelligent, so I've had a lot of fun talking to him. Our messages seem to have a pretty solid structure, though.
First paragraph: Flirtation or tease.
Second paragraph: Actual conversation.
Third paragraph: Question and/or joke
Fourth paragraph: Flirtation./b
With sometimes in between a serious question in tiny letters in between the third and fourth paragraph.

We role-play together – a role-play in which I play Pride and he plays Greed. Greed, naturally, always gets what he wants. And apparently he wants Pride (or P-Ride, as the Crow tends to call me). Pride on the other hand will only go for a guy who pays attention only to her; after all she's super-awesome and fabulous. Having Lust as a team member doesn't help, naturally. So she doesn't really take Greeds' advances that serious, and is too composed/proud to let it faze her a lot or get her hopes up. As the oldest member of the VII Deadly Sins – the gangs' name – she tries to keep her private life and her stormrider life apart, succeeding pretty well in general.

Gah, I love my Ninia character – Pride's real name. She's so much fun to role-play with. She can lose her temper over the tiniest thing but tries so hard to be composed and calm. It's fun to see how Greed tends to push the “wrong” buttons so often.

Totally unrelated: tonight I dreamt I sat on a piece of bubblegum and it stuck to my skirt. I was amused. n_n

Also in other news: I'm totally falling in love with a fictional character again. Booth from the series "Bones" is slowly but surely growing to be my number one love.

So I started work on monday. Well, “work” is a big word, really. I first have a week of training and than, only after another briefing, I get to start. I'm not particularly looking forward to it, nor am I really being depressed about it. I mean, in the end, I get paid for what I'll be doing, which is the whole point of working, no?

It's one of those call center things – N-allo in my case. The project I'll be put on is called “winback” and it's for the biggest Belgian electrical company, Electrabel. Basically the name says it all. I need to call up people who used to be clients with Electrabel, ask them why they left and which company they're with now. If I “sense” any signs from them not being happy with their current provider, I have to try to persuade them to go back to Electrabel. The thing is, Electrabel truly does offer the cheapest services in Belgium, so I can truly put faith in the thing I'll be “selling”. So that helps a lot. I had a nice week of training with two excellent tests at the end of it (12/12 and 14.5/15), so I'm pretty confident about starting on monday. It's just a shame that I'll have the late shift. I mean, I'll have computer time in the morning which is a definetly plus, but it means a week without being able to see my mum (seeing as she has the night shift) and my dad (seeing as how he has work when I'm off, and vice-versa). I've missed home the passed week, made me realize how important it is to me, really. The first day we had to introduce ourselves so, naturally, I talked about home a lot. After that I did admit that my home means a lot to me and that I'd rather stay at home than go out partying.

Not that it's a big hassle or anything. After all, my friends usually come to my house – or I to theirs, in Lore's and Elisa's case – so even when hanging out with my friends I can still be at home.

In any case, there were two truly GLORIOUS moments in my training, looking back. The first was on Tuesday, when one of my co-workers (keep in mind, I'd only been in contact with the woman for about 12 hours) asked me why I was working there, because I have so much more in me. Naturally it made my day. Same with Friday, right before leaving for the weekend. I had an evaluation with my trainer (sounds like I'm a dog -woof!-) and he told me that I was naturally (he actually said that) very intelligent and that there was more in me than this; he felt like I had a goal in life. Which I do, so I told him about my shop-dream, and he went “ahah, of course!”. So again, it made my day.

I can't not grin when people call me intelligent, really. It is one of those things I'm fairly sure about – as in, I love writing but I'm not that confident about being good at it. Same with drawing, editing, and pretty much everything else I do. One of the only things I'm confident about is the fact that I'm smart and a bit wise. Hearing others say it makes me grin like an idiot for some reason. I always feel bad about it in hindsight, but really I can't help it. Gah, I'm so awful... yet awesome! ^,^ Yay for arrogance!

This morning my dog died. Sloefke, I miss you a lot already and I haven't even been at home yet.

I hope you're safe and warm.

We'll meet again in our next lives.

I love you.

I love my sister to death – same with my brother-in-law. But sometimes I just want to smash both of their heads in. It's like they can't come to visit without making some snide remarks about one thing or the other.

Usually they “assault” my computer. Yes, I know she's slow and has loads of crap on her. But Yama-chan isn't the youngest – at least, not in computer terms – and has a shitload of stuff on her. She's like a genius; it's no wonder she's bad at some things. It's like they don't get that my computer is sort of my baby. Yama-chan is my precious and it hurts me when they say how slow or weird she acts. I know I should've taken better care of her and that I should clean her up properly, but it just never happens. So when they 'attack' her like that, it's impossible not to protect her.

And it's not like I'm the only one who does that. I can't say anything negative about THEIR animals because, OH NO, just the thought that they're not perfect is just impossible! It annoys the hell out of me. It's as if critique on anything is allowed, except the things they own. Like poor little Chouffke. Yes, I know he has little discipline and yes I know he's a little meanie sometimes. But it's wrong to judge him so hard. People, seriously, it's a dog. When you say “jump”, it shouldn't be saying “how high”. Those things are reserved for people you pay. A dog should be cherished and loved, nurtured and played with.

It's like with children. This world is filled with people who expect things from eachother. Children are raised to know that they have to live up to those expectations, otherwise people will be dissapointed or annoyed or even angry at times. Is it really necessary, therefor, that we raise them with similar expectations? Home should be a place to unwind, not one to follow even more rules.

I'm totally losing my point here, but I'm in a good ranting mood. Seriously though, it hurts to hear my poor Yama-chan ripped apart like that. I've tried cleaning her a number of times, but I just don't have the know-how. Nor can I afford bringing her to a professional; or when it comes to professionals, I wouldn't even know which of them to trust. Also, it's not like I can just back-up the stuff I need and reboot her anew. I don't even own half of the stuff that's on there. I borrowed a program from there, downloaded another from here and things like that. There's no way in hell that I could be able to restore her fully.

Poor Yama-chan, broken to shreds and unwhole. That's not a life for a computer!

IN HINDSIGHT:
While rereading this, it suddenly occured to me that I truly speak of my computer as if she were a person. *^-^* Yay for digital love!

So I officially started the English manuscript for my main novel two days ago. I'll probably end up cursing myself for mentioning this online later on, but ah well. Regrets are reserved for -after- doing the stupid thing.

I've been thinking about the story since I was 12 and in the meantime it's evolved and grown. The main characters are the same - the main main character is still the same, really, although she's not that obviously the main main character. I've written parts of it in English and others in Dutch. Heck, if I was more fluent in French, German or Japanese, I probably would've written parts of it in those languages, too. Luckily I'm not, though. I decided to bring the English manuscript together first because I'm better at flowery language in English, and because that means less translating time.

In any case, here's the introduction. Tell me what you think?

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People tend to say that you should write about what you know. Others say that you should write about what you like. This, supposedly, is the key to a great story. I hope you will be the judge on how much truth lies in those sayings, though.

Admittedly, I don't know much. After all, I am simply a young woman. But for once what matters is not what I know, but who I know. My name is Helena Selene Moonwatcher, 20 of age.

Like so many of my tribe, I was born in a household consisting only of women. In my case, these women were my grandmother, Ruth Artemis, and my mother, Meredith Hina-Kega. As a member of the Moonchild tribe, I was raised in the belief that we lived only to serve the moon goddess in whatever form she chose; she who raised us above men to rule over them as she rules over the earth as the moon. My aunt was, and is still, the reigning High Priestess of the tribe. She leads all in worshipping of the Goddess. It was also my aunt, Sarah Hina-Uri, who taught me the legend of our mountain-tribe, the tribe of the village Tetsu and the reigning tribe of the mountain-folk.

The mountains I was born in are very harsh. Winds circle around the Northern mountain tops at incredible speed and the flatlands are cold and dry. Not a lot of folk could live here and history tells us that my own mountain people had a very rough time living here, but not because of the hard weather conditions. The legend that my aunt Sarah teaches to all young children explains the hows' and why's.

“When the world was shrouded in mist and the earth was cold, our race was at it's limit. Only one woman kept on hope. A poor, fragile young woman she was, often used by her husband to pay off debts. This to the great amusement and pleasure of the other tribesmen, for she was very desireable. Despite her misfortunes, she kept on hoping for a better future for the entire tribe.

She became with child. The child in her lap could be of any of the men for they had all taken advantage of her. A war started between them all, trying to decide who was the father of the glarious girls' child. When eventually the strongest and most evil of the men came to claim her on her the evening before her labour, she stabbed him, using a wooden pike she had carved during her pregnancy.

Panting and stumbling she walked outside of her tent, determined to speak to the remaining members of her tribe, the only women left. Her voice boomed over the plains when she spoke, “Listen to me, oh ye, strong Tetsu women,” the sound of her voice was clear as water and washed over them all, “The gods have come to be and granted me a vision. Tomorrow I shall give birth to two children, one a child of the Sun, the other a child of the moon. They are our gifts from the gods, the gods who have listened to our prayers and who have saved us from our men. We shall now be able to live in peace. We must thank them for their kindness by protecting their wives in return. Those who follow the moon shall guard her in her silver path through the night skies. Those who follow the sun will bathe in her light and guard her, too, because these are the two who have brought us freedom and who have watched over us.”

And so it happened. The sun stood on her highest perch when the young women gave life to two daughters. The girl with the light hair and fair skin became the first Sunchild, guardian of the sun. The other child, a delicate blackhaired maiden with dark skin became the Moonwatcher, child of the moon.
From that day on, the mountain folk were saved.”

In light of this legend and how fanatically the mount tribe followed their religion, you can see how none of the Moonwatchers or Sunchilds would have any qualms about treating men badly. This changed, along with most things in my life, when I was five.

Some kid called me a troll, today. That in itself is quite a feat - I've never been called a troll before, and in itself it's quite a creative insult, if you think about it. I dared him, though, to insult me further. I've kind of adopted the philosophy of "if they insult me, they won't insult someone else". Of course it hurt. On my way back home on the bus I did feel tears in my eyes, but it was mostly because the kid insulted my glasses and voice - again, a new thing, no one has ever insulted those before.

In itself it matters little to me, though. Because at the end of the day, I'm still a good person. I'm proud of who I am. I'm kind, sweet, helpful and friendly. I'm caring, gentle, intelligent and fun to be with. I may not be the prettiest girl around, but I'm not ugly. I'm eloquent, polite and have good manners.
So, at the end of the day, despite his insults, I'm not the mean one. Of course it's possible that he has some issues with his appearance or something, but I think that only people with a mean streak randomly call people names.

It was both saddening and heartwarming to see my friends get angry, though. You guys, feel free to rant about it, you know. ^,^ I loved the fact that you were angry at him for what he had said.

People who judge me without getting to know me first, aren't worth being angry about.

Though that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

(On a side note, the song I mentioned was already playing in my head and has nothing to do with the kid. The "jerk" in Devil beside you is actually a great jerk - sure he's a bit of a bully and teases people, but he never picks on anyone or insults them. I don't remember what explanation he gives for that, but it's nice.)